Am I feeling undervalued and overlooked for opportunities? I would say yes. But then I realize, it does not have to be external. I simply was undervaluing myself by myself. Maybe I have some co-workers who do not really like me. But it is my own fault, because I should have never expected that all of them would like me in the first place!
Yes, in my country I did not find good career opportunities to grow. But now I see the reality. I was coward and lazy as fuck to work hard enough to bring opportunities. I should have focused more, eaten less and slept better not longer!
“You think you have many home obligations like shopping and bringing kids to the doctor? Well what the fuck did you expect years ago as you thought of establishing a family?” Look at your grandfather (RIP) who managed to have 5 children, be successful in his career and build a house for each of them!”
And it is not that I did not have enough time. “Look how much time you wasted!“. Yes I have demonstrated it using the Boosted app on my phone.
I could not concentrate effectively. And I have fears of the future. Sometimes, especially on weekends, I get lost in worries and multiple “future simulations” that I can not study more than 10 minutes on a row. I think about my future financial situation. I think about whether to stay or leave Munich because it is expensive to rent in live here. I think about my current career perspectives. I think about what to do next, etc. I simply lose the sense of the present and procrastinate.
I forgot the reasons why I am here in Munich.
I am procrastinating a lot. And my procrastination takes the form of thoughts about the future. It looks like planning. It looks like I am constantly looking for ways to optimize “the next move”, to reduce the number of “false moves” and make sure that I am doing things right. It got to the point that I de-valuate the task at hand often and consciously disturb my focus. I am convinced it is getting out of control.
My communication sucks. Yes I deliver the message. But I put a lot of physical strain on my body when I talk to people. It feels like I am stressed/nervous when I talk. My body gets tense quickly which drains my energy and motivation and the end of the day. Why am I doing that, after all the knowledge I’ve learned through the years about improving communication?
“That’s because you anchor your reality to the reality of other people, which is due to your fucked up perceptions of the environment around you!”
Why the fuck am I tying my success at work with some people? Why did I let them indirectly influence my progress? How could I be so stupid? Is it because I held my reference externally istead of being my own reference? Is it a deteriorating self-confidence and frequent tendency to “idealize” some other people that made constant noise on my radio channel?
I could not concentrate enough. And because of it I questioned myself a lot lately.
“How much time did you spend on worrying and bubble thinking instead of fucking doing the task at hand? Give me one damn thing you earned by worrying your ass on a daily basis! One thing is sure: you are jumping from topic to topic without finishing what you start. And I mean by that “crushing” it!”
So there is nobody who really blocked my way. Nobody came and put a log on my way. Nobody told me “Wassim, I am going to block your future!” All that I came up with are in reality excuses in my mind, or shitty perceptions, or whatever the fuck they are, when I think about my thoughts from a third person perspective.
I was ignorant to see the truth, that I had sabotaged myself by myself and justified it with external factors. Fuck, I was procrastinating a lot of time and did not concentrate my effort on each task at hand.